Hey, y’all! I’m sure we’re all familiar with the old adage, “Don't judge a book by its cover.” Parents and teachers often use this idiom to teach their children to not jump to conclusions and to get to know someone before they form an opinion of them. Even as adults, this is something that can be tricky to do. I mean, if I hear someone tell me that so and so is difficult to work with, I often associate this thought with that person. If you tell me that escargot is absolutely disgusting, chances are I’m going to be thinking that as I pour the snail into my mouth.
When we received our first foster placement we were told by DCF (Department of Children and Families) that their parents were dangerous people. When we dropped the kids off for their first few visitations, we had to call the office and let them know where had arrived so we could be escorted through one door while the parents were taken through another. It was suggested that we avoid all contact with them because both the mother and the father were angry and violent.
When we heard this, we were obviously nervous about having to meet the biological parents. It would be hard not to be. But then, we took a moment to step into the parent's shoes and think about the situation that they were in. This caseworker formed her opinion of the parents based off of her only encounter with them; removing the children from their custody. It was an awful, drama-filled event that involved shouting neighbors, family members trying to run off with the baby and the police and DCF having to get assertive. When you take the whole scene in, and really take into consideration what was happening, I could see exactly why the parents appeared “angry” and “violent”. Their entire world was being ripped out of their arms.
After the second supervised visit, the father enclosed a letter in the baby’s diaper bag thanking us for taking care of his young children. As we were walking the two children into their third visit, the mother stared out the window and watched as we wiped a bit of food off of the three-year-old boy’s face and had him blow his nose before entering the building. That afternoon, she placed a letter in the diaper bag expressing her gratitude and letting us know that she saw how well we were taking care of their children. She also included something unexpected; a phone number.
When we got home, we downloaded Google Voice and created a fake phone number that we could use to contact the bio parents. That evening, we sent the parents a text message thanking them for the sweet note and enclosed a couple of pictures that we had taken of the children. This single event opened the lines of communication and allowed us to form our own opinion of the parents.
Eventually, as the case progressed, we moved to unsupervised visits where we would meet the parents at the park to spend a couple of hours with their parents. During the first unsupervised visit, we sat down at a picnic table and talked with the parents. I made sure to let them know that we didn’t judge them for what happened and let them know that we realize that this could have happened to anyone. We have friends who are in the same boat as they are; meaning that not only do we have friends that are struggling with addiction but we also have friends who have children in foster care.
For us, it was important that we let them know that we didn’t think that we were any better than they are just because of their circumstances. We are well aware that we could just as easily be in the same position that they are. We honestly feel as though this could happen to anyone; even us.
Over the period of time that the children stayed with us, we continued to foster our relationship with their parents and to earn their trust and respect. I can’t even count how many times the mom and dad both texted us thanking us for loving the children like our own. It was rewarding to know that what we were doing was so greatly appreciated.
At the end of November, the children were reunified with their parents and we were certain that we wouldn’t ever see them again. All along the parents told us that they wanted to keep in touch and to continue to have us as a part of their children’s lives but in all honesty, I didn’t expect that to happen.
Firstly, I think that most people in this situation would rather their children forget it happened. When a child is as young as our little ones are, it would be easy to make that happen by just making us vanish from their lives. I’m sure it must be embarrassing to be in their position. I mean, I wouldn’t want my kids to know or remember that I made a mistake that caused me to lose custody of my children.
Secondly, how often do we tell people that we’ll stay in touch and it never happens? I mean, come on, that’s so easy to do! I have friends, really good friends, that moved away and I rarely ever talk to them simply because we both just dropped the ball.
But, their parents didn’t let that happen. Since the kids have been reunified, we’ve been over to their house 3 times to visit with the children. Just this weekend, we invited the family to our place to have lunch with us. We’re even planning a sleepover soon.
We are still able to maintain our relationship with the children, and their family, simply because we chose to form our own opinion of them. Simply because we chose not to judge a book by its cover.
In your foster care classes, you’re told fluff stories about foster families and bio-families working together to raise a child. They’ll tell you that a lot of times you can still have a relationship after the child, even after they are out of your care. Unfortunately, those stories are just that- fluff. They are things that you’re told just to make you feel better, to make you a little less apprehensive about putting yourself into a situation where your heart is shattered. We are friends with several veteran foster families who have had numerous placements and out of all of them (that didn’t adopt) only one of those families sees one of their former foster children. Truth be told, this almost never happens.
I’m not telling you this story to give a glimmer of hope that you may see one of your foster children again, or to tell you that you’ll never see them again. I’m sharing this story with you to show the importance of forming your own opinions and for establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with the biological parents. Sure, not all biological parents are going to be as easy to work with as ours were, but at least try. If we had not begun communicating regularly with the bio-parents, I have no doubt that we would be a distant memory for our little ones.
Don’t judge someone based solely on someone else’s impression. Take the time to formulate your own opinion. Take the time to get to know someone, you just might be surprised. Establishing a relationship with your foster child’s biological parents is one of the most important (and rewarding) you can do.
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